One night in Omega, a man named John was drinking the night away after divorcing his wife and leaving his four kids in a orphanage. His hands were shaking and he was aching for a fight.
“Bartender, one more please”, he requested. “You’ve had ten drinks tonight, John. Enough is enough”, replied the turian bartender. “You’ll give me a drink or…” began John.
Just then, a asari approached John. “It’s okay. It’s on me”, said the asari. “Asari paying for your drinks, John? How low”, said the bartender. The bartender then poured a drink and slammed it into the bench. “Go get drunk in Afterlife”, he snorted. The bartender then stormed away.
The asari then sat beside John. “Thanks for that. What’s your name?” asked John. “Aria. I’m just a poor sap like you’, replied Aria. “You’re one of the few asari that I have met who does not work in Afterlife”, said John. “Unlike the other asari, I actually have some self-esteem and self-respect”, snorted Aria. “How long have you been here for?” asked John. “No more than six or seven months. I just drift from system to system looking for a home”, said Aria. “You can crash at my house if you want”, said John. “I appreciate that”, replied Aria.
In John’s home, Aria examined John’s statues, ornaments and heirlooms. “Your house is a masterpiece. Where did you get all this stuff?” asked Aria. “That would be telling”, chuckled John. Aria then sat next to him. “You must hate all the chaos that seems to plague this station. T’Loak isn’t doing anything about it. it must irritate you to know that people are getting shot down in the streets”, she said. “Yes, I am. I do hate the chaos, but I have learned to live with it”, replied John. “So have I, but I have also learned how to seek out people who interest me”, rpelied Aria. “What are you talking about?” asked John. “You know, meld and date people who interest me. Maybe, I can teach you how to open yourself”, replied Aria. “Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t share my bed with strangers”, said John. “I’m not talking about that. Melding is different. I can open your mind to pleasures that it hasn’t felt in ages”, replied Aria. “okay, you can try it if you want”, said John. “Excellent”, said Aria.
Aria then turned her eyes pitch black and John gazed into them. “Look into my eyes. Tell me you love me. Tell me you can’t resist me”, said Aria. John gazed deeply into Aria’s hypnotic eyes. He could not resist them. All he could see were those beautiful and drawing eyes. He paid attention to no one else, nothing else, but those eyes “I love you. I can’t resist you”, he repeated. “Good boy. Now we’re going to have some fun”….
The End
Is he, like, mind-melding with her and getting turned on by seeing himself?
His encounter with a hypnotic asari seems kinda insignificant next to that, so I'm not sure why that's what you wrote in the story.
As just a short hypnosis vignette, it's certainly an improvement over some of your earlier work, but even then.. the most interesting part of any hypnosis story would be the induction, and you basically just skipped right over that.
That leaves nothing really as the focus. You ignored the most dramatic part of the story, and skipped over the most interesting part of the hypnosis sequence... leaving only the 373 words in the middle at the "meat" of your story, where the protagonist just orders a drink, gets insulted by the bartender, and takes an asari home with him.
What's the point? What's the story even about?
The actual induction was short, but it was the climax of an entire, very engaging mission plot which was all clearly building up toward that one powerful moment where you have a battle of wills with Morinth.
It was always really obvious what this whole little story was about, from start to finish, and the induction itself was not just a throwaway instant thing: there was a whole seduction element that built up to it. There was conflict, tension, even clever camera-work and musical cues to manipulate the viewer's feelings throughout.
That's why that moment was powerful. All of this stuff built up to one crowning moment, and there was an entire plot there, all of which was about something. Without any of that, there's no story.
Another thing, I respect your opinion, but how was there set up or tension in the Morinth mission? All you do is beat people up and act like a total jerk so much that Morinth notices. How is that set up or tension?
Either learn to live up to the name, or change it to "WriteBadly4Fun".